You are not alone

After a decade of living in beautiful Colorado, putting down roots, and building community, my husband was offered his dream job and quickly shifted our entire lives. We were all up for the adventure of driving across the country with two cars, three kids, four birds and our Beta Fish Luna riding shotgun! But then after a couple weeks of getting settled, the first day came when my husband went to work and my kids went to school and I was left alone in a new house surrounded by boxes and silence. And I cried. I ugly cried like I never had before.

The busyness stopped and the loneliness set in. The reality was that I was not lonely because I was alone. See, feeling alone is not the absence of people, it is the presence of void. This is how we can be surrounded by people, things, commitments, even purpose and still feel like we are not enough. I had a big void that over the past decade I had successfully filled with busyness and community and purpose, but I had never dealt with the empty places that drove me to be more and do more constantly. The more I did the better I felt about myself, so I piled on the working and volunteering and socializing and the filling my days with anything that would make me feel like I was doing enough. My self-worth was handcuffed to my doing.

I imagine a lot of women feel like this. The Pinterest woman is now the expectation in many ways and not obtainable in any way! You cannot have the adorably decorated and clean house with self-made, chalk-painted furniture, the fit body wearing the latest fashions and trending hair styles, the well-behaved children in homemade Halloween costumes eating thematic snacks, and healthy organic cheap insta-pot dinners… the list goes on and on!!

We know we can’t do it all, but why does doing it at all (and being seen doing it) matter so much to us? Because for many, it makes us feel valuable! If I do, then I matter. Here is the truth. You matter just the way you are—if you never do any more or any less. You are worthy of love and acceptance without having to earn it. You are enough.  

Here is the question. Do you feel alone even around people?  Do you feel like you are drowning and trying to be all things to all people? Do you go to bed exhausted and still feel like there is so much left undone? You are not alone in this struggle!! And you are not alone in overcoming it!!

Take the time to search you heart and soul and get real with any voids, any empty spaces that you are trying to fill. This is where the real and messy work comes in—getting vulnerable! I knew I was non-emotional for most of my life, but it wasn’t until I delved into the reasons for this tendency and the effects on my behavior that I feel like my life came into clear focus for the first time. I had been living in black and white, only allowing myself to feel an inch deep, and now could experience life in full color with true and deep emotions! It was a messy and scary process but it created a work of art, a masterpiece of living!

I will also say that unearthing these voids and empty spaces requires support. You are going to need a journal and a few true friends. Share your struggle with them, but note that this is not something to be shared with 800 Facebook friends, but rather with the select few that have earned to right to hear your story and who will love you (warts and all).  I was amazed by the love and support I received from my closest friends. Once I let down my wall of perfectionism, I think they loved even me more, and I know could receive that love more authentically.  We often shy away from being real and vulnerable but that is where true connection begins.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me! J Becky